In the interest of self-preservation.

Lately I have felt my motivations become frail. The dreams that used to entertain and push me through rough days, no longer hold the same weight. I can feel the time around me passing, day by day, and yet no discernible progress has been made. I have always been lazy, but this is a level of hedonism even I thought I was incapable of. I do not remember how I came to this place, but I assume it is been coming for some time. I know the power to change this rests in my hands, but part of me feels that I should not try and change this stagnation. Maybe, this is the punishment that higher powers have deemed fit for a sinner as heinous as myself. Then I look at my peers, and some of them have committed sins far greater than mine. Yet, they move forward and make progress towards their dreams, despite the anchor that weighs on their soul. Perhaps I am a coward, too scared to change himself. I have seen the world around me change during my self imposed exile. I have seen the closest of my friends grow distant, and in this distance, I have glanced at what I can assume is true happiness. Families have been created, movements started, and legacies begun. Even though some are happy and content, there are a few like me. They took a step out into the real world, and came crawling back to sanctuary. I do not want to be alone like this anymore.

At this point it is irrelevant how I got here. The people that broke me and built me along the way, they no longer hold any relevance, other than to educate myself. I can learn from them. Seek those like the ones I loved, and steer clear of those who broke my heart. And although I appreciate every one of these people for shaping me, I can not fixate on our shared past. I have too long, held fast to the idea that one day things would go back to the way they were. I have waited like this once before, and as common sense would dictate, nothing was the same. Having been in that purgatory again lately, waiting on events to repeat themselves, I can not help but feel like an idiot. I have fooled myself twice now, so shame on me. I am sorry to those of my friends, or those who have grown close to me, that I have abandoned and ceased contact with. I hope you all know your importance in my journey. And to those of you to whom I gave everything , yet received nothing in return, I am sure you do not think about me as often as I think about you. But I wish you the best, regardless of how things ended, or will end between us.

I am scared of the journey I am about to undertake. Should I stick it all the way through, I may end up worse than how I started. But that is the beauty of it. For it only takes one cosmic stroke of luck to change everything. Whether or not I will be blessed with this divine grace, is yet to be seen. And should it not happen, I will continue to work and try and move forward hoping that I will be blessed, as those around me have been. I hope that some of you will take this journey with me, strangers, friends, and family alike. It will be a long, tumultuous road, but I am sure, it would be easier with your memories on my shoulder. We go now to the future.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s