Sinners in Ignorance

How can you repent sins that you are ignorant of?

Ignorance of sins committed from joy and love.

To the devout and saintly, these transgressions are plain as day,

But those surrounded by heathens will not have that much to say.

Some sinners convince others of their grace and virtuousness,

Those who believe these words stay content, because ignorance is bliss.

 

To those who wake from their blissful dreams

whose reality starts to tear apart at the seams.

As they look back at the aftermath

Of all the hurt that has because of them amassed

A shock will run down their spine

A shock that doesn’t go away with time.

 

To live in blissful ignorance

or a catatonic indifference

 

To live absentminded of the horror

or knowingly in Sodom and Gomorrah.

Courage

If I had the courage to step into the night

I would have seen the stars long ago.

This flickering lamp has lost its will to fight

And now its light speaks to me in Morse code.

To say I could decipher its message would be a lie.

At best I can guess its intent as I wait for it to die.

 

The truth is, I am a terrible coward.

A sinner of vast proportions who painted himself a saint.

Walled off in a lonely tower of my design.

“Why did they leave me here?” Is now my constant complaint.

Now I dwell only on these stars

Who in my sleep request to hear my memoirs.

 

But I am still afraid

To step past the line

and into the fade

I tell myself that I will be fine

But in this tower I will deteriorate

Until my memories no longer hold this weight.

The Respite is Over

 

A thick fog that I once knew well

has decided it would return

to where it once dwelled.

Haze envelops and encompasses

old memories and current thoughts

clouding my perspective and hindering

my best judgement.

 

Over a year ago now my mind was clear,

last October. 2014 was the year,

The blinding billowing clouds

that provided shade to my soul

were blown away by a change.

A whole new me,

Unrecognizable but by name.

 

The Change came on slow.

It came as drops of water from

a ceiling, and I the bucket underneath

collecting little droplets

that began to alter me.

And by February I was nearly full

A different bucket than from before.

 

I could barely recognize the person

standing in front of the mirror.

For better or for worse

my mind was now far clearer.

The mist that muddled my mind

no longer cushioned my

ego, emotion, and essence.

 

I had for the first time in a long time

become vulnerable and open.

I allowed people in

and no longer felt so broken.

But it was only a matter of time before

eagerness and excitement faded away

into anxiety, at least not today.

 

In June with the sun shining hot,

a sweltering woman entered my life,

sitting here now, I wish she had not.

She burned away flesh and muscle

exposing my bones and soul.

And she embraced my shambling body

before she let me go.

 

Now all these months later

that pile of bones has slowly reassembled

and it resembles that man who encountered

all that scary change so rapidly.

But unfortunately, his mind has been infested.

A fog has taken over

and returns him to his slumber.

 

Strange Awakening

I went to bed yesterday a child,

And today awoke a man.

My surprise was far from mild.

My childhood took one look ahead and ran

Because this adulthood is scary.

It has frightened my innocence away .

The adolescent thoughts that made me merry

Were replaced with repetitious thoughts of pain.

Waning is the vigor I once had

And I’m not trying to say it’s all bad

I just remember what it was like before I was sad

And I really wish that I could go back.

 

Meeting my Replacement

 

After weeks of little to no interesting occurrences, this week’s constant barrage of peculiar events has been exhausting .It all started on Sunday while relaxing in my bed for the first time in what felt like weeks, I caught my breath and my thoughts. Between school, work, and errands I find little to no time for myself these days. Ever since I graduated high school and started at community college, the days float past slowly and no longer maintain the vigor they once did. For the moment, I am stuck in this purgatory, waiting impatiently, dreaming of an end to this monotony. I was under the impression that this feeling of unfulfillment came to people in their forties working office jobs. Oh well, patience is the saint to which I pray to nightly, before I dream of a time after school where I am happily employed, married, and situated. As I entertained my grand notions lying on my bed that Sunday afternoon, my phone began to vibrate.

Sydney

“Hey stranger! You looked cute today ; )”

I felt my brows furrow as confusion beset my mind. I had not spoken to Sydney in about a year and had not seen her once today. Unless she had looked through my bedroom window, she could not have seen me, considering I have only left my bed once to go to the bathroom. After unlocking my phone and pulling up her message, I began to respond.

“You probably saw someone else, haven’t gone out today”

It was only a few seconds before her response came through.

“But you looked straight at me!LOL stop playing around cutie 🙂 :)”

Like a ton a bricks, I remembered why I had stopped talking to Sydney. It quickly came back to me that behind her dotty and subtle flirtatious behavior when we spoke, was the mind of a cruel and vindictive woman. We had a momentary romance over a year ago, that ended with a bad taste in my mouth. Her possessive nature and thirst for attention resided in the shadows of her character when she first lured me into her web like a spider. Why she was claiming to have seen me today, only further annoyed me as a stream of foul emotions flooded through my memory.

“Alright ” I replied, hoping it would end the conversation.

To my disappointment, it did not.

???” Was her reply, to which I chuckled and tossed my phone aside. I receded back into my mind, and began to drift.

That night I dreamt my five year old son was walking towards my wife, some beautiful woman I have yet to meet, and we were all happy.

Monday started and went on as any other, and it was not until the evening that another strange incident occurred. Arriving at the local Walmart at around nine, I headed over to the frozen food section for some dinner. While passing the aisle containing bottled drinks, I saw out of the corner of my eye Sydney. I quickened my step to avoid being seen, one awkward conversation with her a week was enough. It would seem that I made it safely to the frozen food section, as she wasn’t trailing me. Sighing in relief, I pulled open the door to the frigid fridge and grabbed some icy pizza. I briskly walked past the aisle where I had last seen her and arrived at the checkout. As the cashier rang up my stuff I saw the back of Sydney’s head. I would have felt the need to hide my face, had I not seen my face standing in front of her.

The world around me was immediately swallowed up, and noting remained. Nothing, except that back side of Sydney, and someone who appeared to be me, standing in front of her. The cashier that was there one second ago, now beckoned me for payment, but I could not hear her. I could only see that mind shattering impossibility that stood just forty yards away. He was like me, but not exactly me. He was leaner, more muscular, and he smiled. He smiled a lot. I stood there with my jaw on the floor attempting to retain what little sanity I had left. Their conversation drew to a close as Sydney took off in one direction, and myself in the other.

The cashier finally caught my attention by poking me with a grocery divider. I handed her my card, and remained silent all the way home.

I closed the door to my bedroom, having not even eaten the dinner I just bought, and laid in bed. My mind ran for what felt like hours before I fell asleep.

The night I dreamed of my times with Sydney.

___

To be continued