Sinners in Ignorance

How can you repent sins that you are ignorant of?

Ignorance of sins committed from joy and love.

To the devout and saintly, these transgressions are plain as day,

But those surrounded by heathens will not have that much to say.

Some sinners convince others of their grace and virtuousness,

Those who believe these words stay content, because ignorance is bliss.

 

To those who wake from their blissful dreams

whose reality starts to tear apart at the seams.

As they look back at the aftermath

Of all the hurt that has because of them amassed

A shock will run down their spine

A shock that doesn’t go away with time.

 

To live in blissful ignorance

or a catatonic indifference

 

To live absentminded of the horror

or knowingly in Sodom and Gomorrah.

The Respite is Over

 

A thick fog that I once knew well

has decided it would return

to where it once dwelled.

Haze envelops and encompasses

old memories and current thoughts

clouding my perspective and hindering

my best judgement.

 

Over a year ago now my mind was clear,

last October. 2014 was the year,

The blinding billowing clouds

that provided shade to my soul

were blown away by a change.

A whole new me,

Unrecognizable but by name.

 

The Change came on slow.

It came as drops of water from

a ceiling, and I the bucket underneath

collecting little droplets

that began to alter me.

And by February I was nearly full

A different bucket than from before.

 

I could barely recognize the person

standing in front of the mirror.

For better or for worse

my mind was now far clearer.

The mist that muddled my mind

no longer cushioned my

ego, emotion, and essence.

 

I had for the first time in a long time

become vulnerable and open.

I allowed people in

and no longer felt so broken.

But it was only a matter of time before

eagerness and excitement faded away

into anxiety, at least not today.

 

In June with the sun shining hot,

a sweltering woman entered my life,

sitting here now, I wish she had not.

She burned away flesh and muscle

exposing my bones and soul.

And she embraced my shambling body

before she let me go.

 

Now all these months later

that pile of bones has slowly reassembled

and it resembles that man who encountered

all that scary change so rapidly.

But unfortunately, his mind has been infested.

A fog has taken over

and returns him to his slumber.

 

Strange Awakening

I went to bed yesterday a child,

And today awoke a man.

My surprise was far from mild.

My childhood took one look ahead and ran

Because this adulthood is scary.

It has frightened my innocence away .

The adolescent thoughts that made me merry

Were replaced with repetitious thoughts of pain.

Waning is the vigor I once had

And I’m not trying to say it’s all bad

I just remember what it was like before I was sad

And I really wish that I could go back.

 

If I Ever Grew Tired

Looking back its hard to imagine

spending my time with anyone else.

We stopped just short of becoming tragic,

and now I have to learn to be by myself.

I know this is the best for the both of us.

So here we are, separate,

And here I am, desperate.

I thought that after all this time

That you would have faded from my mind.

I can no longer resist your mental intrusions

Because for just a moment it brings back the illusion.

I expected to grow tired of these notions

But eons have passed and still I feel broken.

I miss you a lot,

and not a day goes by

where you are not in my thoughts.

You were the glimmer in my eye.

Get Over It

Easier said than done

Considering how far we’ve come.

You snuck up from behind

And swept me off my feet.

Now nightly in my mind I rewind

to when things between us weren’t so bleak.

When you would see my face and smile

While I did just the same.

The joy I felt when I heard your name

has turned into pain and regret.

And I bet, that weeks from now,

maybe even months, or years

I’ll remember your face

and be brought to tears.

 

If someone told me I could forget it all,

Without hesitation, I would heed their call.

Rather than crash into the looming wall

of misery and pain that plaques me

when thoughts of you enter my brain.

Your love left a stain darling

when you flew off like a starling.

 

Just a Piece

I am a puzzle piece.

Born to fit with those like me

to form a masterpiece.

While young we accept this serenity,

But maturation brings separation.

Those who fit into our very being

don’t connect like they once did.

In desperation we fight this feeling,

To no avail, the puzzle is broken.

Stray pieces hope to find another

Place where they can fit.

But what most desire they will not get.

Only the lucky ones find some pieces

that fit better then they did before.

 

Meeting my Replacement

 

After weeks of little to no interesting occurrences, this week’s constant barrage of peculiar events has been exhausting .It all started on Sunday while relaxing in my bed for the first time in what felt like weeks, I caught my breath and my thoughts. Between school, work, and errands I find little to no time for myself these days. Ever since I graduated high school and started at community college, the days float past slowly and no longer maintain the vigor they once did. For the moment, I am stuck in this purgatory, waiting impatiently, dreaming of an end to this monotony. I was under the impression that this feeling of unfulfillment came to people in their forties working office jobs. Oh well, patience is the saint to which I pray to nightly, before I dream of a time after school where I am happily employed, married, and situated. As I entertained my grand notions lying on my bed that Sunday afternoon, my phone began to vibrate.

Sydney

“Hey stranger! You looked cute today ; )”

I felt my brows furrow as confusion beset my mind. I had not spoken to Sydney in about a year and had not seen her once today. Unless she had looked through my bedroom window, she could not have seen me, considering I have only left my bed once to go to the bathroom. After unlocking my phone and pulling up her message, I began to respond.

“You probably saw someone else, haven’t gone out today”

It was only a few seconds before her response came through.

“But you looked straight at me!LOL stop playing around cutie 🙂 :)”

Like a ton a bricks, I remembered why I had stopped talking to Sydney. It quickly came back to me that behind her dotty and subtle flirtatious behavior when we spoke, was the mind of a cruel and vindictive woman. We had a momentary romance over a year ago, that ended with a bad taste in my mouth. Her possessive nature and thirst for attention resided in the shadows of her character when she first lured me into her web like a spider. Why she was claiming to have seen me today, only further annoyed me as a stream of foul emotions flooded through my memory.

“Alright ” I replied, hoping it would end the conversation.

To my disappointment, it did not.

???” Was her reply, to which I chuckled and tossed my phone aside. I receded back into my mind, and began to drift.

That night I dreamt my five year old son was walking towards my wife, some beautiful woman I have yet to meet, and we were all happy.

Monday started and went on as any other, and it was not until the evening that another strange incident occurred. Arriving at the local Walmart at around nine, I headed over to the frozen food section for some dinner. While passing the aisle containing bottled drinks, I saw out of the corner of my eye Sydney. I quickened my step to avoid being seen, one awkward conversation with her a week was enough. It would seem that I made it safely to the frozen food section, as she wasn’t trailing me. Sighing in relief, I pulled open the door to the frigid fridge and grabbed some icy pizza. I briskly walked past the aisle where I had last seen her and arrived at the checkout. As the cashier rang up my stuff I saw the back of Sydney’s head. I would have felt the need to hide my face, had I not seen my face standing in front of her.

The world around me was immediately swallowed up, and noting remained. Nothing, except that back side of Sydney, and someone who appeared to be me, standing in front of her. The cashier that was there one second ago, now beckoned me for payment, but I could not hear her. I could only see that mind shattering impossibility that stood just forty yards away. He was like me, but not exactly me. He was leaner, more muscular, and he smiled. He smiled a lot. I stood there with my jaw on the floor attempting to retain what little sanity I had left. Their conversation drew to a close as Sydney took off in one direction, and myself in the other.

The cashier finally caught my attention by poking me with a grocery divider. I handed her my card, and remained silent all the way home.

I closed the door to my bedroom, having not even eaten the dinner I just bought, and laid in bed. My mind ran for what felt like hours before I fell asleep.

The night I dreamed of my times with Sydney.

___

To be continued

 

Waiting for the Impact.

It’s been about thirty minutes since my little brother James got up to use the bathroom. I wouldn’t be too surprised if he hopped the fence to be with his girlfriend for the big show. That leaves Mom, Dad, our cat Badger, and myself, all crowded around the television. Badger was the only one present whose eyes were not fixed on the images shown on the television. In one corner of the screen in a small box were three anchors, waxing poetic on the matter at hand. The focal point on the screen though, was the gigantic rock engulfed in flame, burning a hole in the seemingly endless blackness around it. This meteorite was headed straight for planet Earth. Our best and brightest all came together months ago to combat this foe, and only recently was it made public that they had failed. Six days ago if I remember correctly. Most of the world had already put this impending doom to the back of their minds, like myself. We had all assumed that they would find a solution, and we were all put in shock by the news that they had not found one. The events that ensued were predictable. Mass riots, looting, world powers bickering and threatening to end it all just a bit earlier. All that settled down yesterday though, as people realized that there wasn’t much time left, and spending it on that nonsense was fruitless. Right now many families just like my own are all watching their televisions final newscast. Obviously the anchors and crews all deserve to meet the end with their families too. As the newscast drew to a close, a timer came up that read “12:00.” It began to count down and we sat still, watching the screen with blank expressions.

After the countdown started, my mother called James, telling him that although she wished he would be here right now, she understands why he left, and that she loves him. My father took the phone as well, hand trembling, fighting back some shaky demon from within. “I love you James.” He handed the phone back to mom, who looked towards me. I looked down, motioning my disinterest to her, “Tell him I love him too.” She relayed my message, hung up the phone and proceeded to lay down on the couch next to my father. They looked comfortable, and content. I was not. The true weight of the situation was not hitting me, and it annoyed the fuck out of me. It’s like my mind refused to accept that there would be no tomorrow. Grabbing my favorite shoe box, I headed outside and unpacked a small pipe and some marijuana from it. I smoked that weed in the hot midday Texas sun, scanning the pale blue horizon for a burning stone. To no avail, I ashed my pipe, and pulled out my phone. I figured social media would be dead, considering this should be time spent with your loved ones. I can’t say I was too surprised when I saw more activity on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat then I had in months. People posting pictures and videos of them and their loved ones smiling, laughing, acting like the world was not ending. Who were they posting these pictures for? No one would be here to see them in a days time. As I scrolled through Facebook’s feed, I came across my most recent ex. She was with her family, and seemed happy enough. That’s when it really hit me.

I now realized the weight of the situation staring at Veronica’s pictures. In less than a day, I would no longer see her face. The goofy smile she had as we laughed at the people walking past our table at the food court. I would no longer remember her scent, which was never too powerful or loud, but it was distinct. I would no longer miss her curling up in my arms at night. It had been weeks since our breakup, but I still yearn for her warmth. I guess it is not entirely bad, seeing that I would no longer have to deal with her lies. Like when she told me time and time again that her friend Pete was gay. He wasn’t. Those multiple slumber parties sure sounded fun. I would no longer have to deal with her hurtful comments and observations. Like when she told me I was the worst looking boyfriend she’s ever had, followed by a swift and insincere apology. It’s true she was a pretty awful person, but the time we spent together was magical. The true cost of the leviathan to come was now apparent to me. I do not believe in a God, so to me, this is it. After tonight, I will cease to have memories, feelings, and thoughts.

My last few hours consisted of me finishing “Lost” finally, eating mass quantities of food, and crying, mostly because of I disappointed I was with “Lost.” When the final five minutes finally came, my family and myself gathered on the porch. My mom watched the approaching meteorite, my dad laughed at Badger playing with the insects, and I looked at my parents. Three minutes remained. My brother came scrambling up the fence. He wanted to spend the last three minutes with us. He handed me my phone, asking why it was in his girlfriends yard. I shrugged. Two missed calls from Veronica. I unlocked my phone, and sent her a message that read, “Hope you had a great last day, good luck in the future, I’ll always love you.” One minute remained. The read receipt came on, and I saw her start to type. Thirty seconds remained. She had stopped typing. I smirked, knowing she did not want to respond with another lie like “I love you too.” It was close now. My family got closer. I closed my eyes.